God! I'm so tired of being such a nervous wreck. Hookay, Hugging the City, Rhythm Salad, Econo-cultural discussion. What next? ....

I personally find it... annoying that I get tongue-tied sometimes when I try to explain to others what it is exactly that my organization/workplace/whatever does. This is not a good thing, and I've got to fix this ASAP.

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[random note:] I'm not sure if I've stated this or not, but I just wanna say that simply put the main function of the mind-Dumpster is as a place where my friends can get a general idea as to how I'm feeling right now. The general public is welcome to read (as is the narcissistic nature of blogs in general) but they would rarely find anything worth reading here.

I feel that working at the SBF is like taking a graduate course on Cultural Activism; complete with its reading requirements, but the reading list is not given to me. I have to find the books myself, somehow.

Luckily the biggest book in the syllabus is the simplest to find : life itself.

(note I said simplest; not easiest)

so God help me I want to resign so bad right now, because things are pretty messed up because I have no idea what I'm doing, but I can't resign because things can only go worse if I quit.

God I wish I could put something more optimistic in here.

Finnished watching the movie, "300", at the office just now... it makes one understand (or at least it helps me to begin to understand), what it means to be a soldier.

What it is to defend your country with honor. What it means to die in glory.

Say whatever you want about heroes being nothing more than dead men. (You may call them fools even, if you like.) But first if you please, may I ask you: can you even possibly comprehend? What it means, to Live?

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I must add there are points about division of labour, personal role, dreams, reflection upon my life and career as it currently is, etc., how all these relates to the movie, that I wish to elaborate here. I'll add them at a later time, perhaps.

Just a short bulletin: the official website of the Sacred Bridge Foundation (Yayasan Pematang Insani) is now online again. Yay! :)

The design is not mine though; it is a modification of the layout previously made by Tedskih, and this design was made fully by Anto. Other responsibilities prevent me from dedicating more time and attention to it.

But Hey! Its online :)

Well, its been more than two months, so I'm pretty late in noticing that Adobe is discontinuing FreeHand. Or at least so says Adobe blogger John Nack.

Its time I get serious about learning InDesign, I guess... (while hoping that Scribus gets more stable.

More as time permits. Hopefully.

Last week during a funeral my good buddy SaintNick gave me a heads up that his place is looking for a graphics designer. He asked for a portfolio, which I sent his way two days ago.

Yesterday he called and said that the company wanted me to come to work ASAP, so since I'm still working for the Sacred Bridge Foundation I unfortunately can't fulfill the call.

Makes me wonder, should I stick around here and decrease my chance at recruitment, when I've already confirmed my intention towards the SBF as but a mere stepping stone on my long term career?

But the thing is, I haven't decided to leave the SBF yet. Especially since there's so much going on here at the SBF and like... let's just say the SBF does not need any trouble right now.

I've had several opportunities to tell the Boss straight that I want to leave. Somehow I just... can't...

Originally written on Wednesday, May 16th 2007, 9:30am, Deutsche Bank Tower smoking room, Jakarta, Indonesia. Posted here with some minor editing.

I have a job interview at 10.30. With the BBC World Service. I arrived early becaus I hitched a ride with my brother to his office.

I had actually arrived here at the Deutsche Bank tower at about a quarter past nine. I hung around at the lobby, just standing, since there wasn't any café or anything on the ground floor. I asked the infromation desk, after about 15 minutes just standing around like an idiot (there were no chairs in the lobby), if there was a café or anything. They said there was one round back. There was a bunch of security guards hanging around there at the information desk. They told me to follow some guy, looked like a waiter, and said "follow him, he's the owner." I guess the jeering was made in good spirit, but somehow I feel a little miffed; perhaps I didn't respond properly to their gesture or something.

So I moved round back, outside through the front door. Turns out the Café Oh Lá Lá at the back was nothing more than a counter, a stall without any seats where you're meant to order something and go somewhere else, away. But nearby there was a smoking area, the type typical these days since the enactment of the city law banning smoking within public buildings. The smoking area has seats, and so here I am writing this... blogpost on paper.

My cellphone is dying. I'm using Mom's old N 5110, supported by about half a dozen rubber bands. It still keeps dying on me. I hope it doesn't die while I wait for 10.30, to meet Bernice (or whoever it is I'm supposed to meet). Still an hour away. The cell's the only timepiece I have.

I was at the office until about 23:30 yesterday at the Sacred Bridge, playing around with Premiere Pro trying to make, no, making a presentation video showing samples of Rooted Music. Took some excerpts from Peter Gabriel's 'Real World Live' concert, Kodo at the Acropolis, Stomp Out Loud, and some documentation footage from the SBF's two prefious Rhythm Salad© events at Pisa Cafe (May 2006) and Pendopo Kemang (August 2006). Though I'm still slow and still learning, thus requiring me to spend more time than normally necessary to string-up an eleven minute video, I must admid that I actually had fun. Though it drained me.

I arrived home at about three in the morning. I still owe an 8 page translation due yesterday, although to be fair I received the order only the day before. There was a time when I would have thought nothing of having the task of translating 8 pages of thick lawyerese Indonesian to English; that time would have been when I was still unemployed. In about four, five dedicated hours I've only managed to complete 4 pages. I would love to be a full-time Indonesian-English translator working from home, but noone's willing to pay me enough; or at least I can't find enough work, at a consistent stream, to make translating a viable source of income for me.

I've written a job advertisement, unpublished, for my current SBF work. I have yet to write a resignation letter for Pak Rano. I have got to stop lying to myself and the company; I just simply am not built for this Communications Head job. I can do simple video editing, I can do basic graphic design, I can write letters in English, but I simply cannot organize. and if organization skills are a basic human property, I accept being labeled inhuman. And that's that.

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some postscript thougths, thought up and written just now : The interview went just as advertised; it began at 10:30 and lasted barely fifteen minutes. They said I'd be informed within the day if I got the job or not; They did, and I didn't get the job.

The job title offered was news fixer/producer; part of the job description for the position said that I would be confirming interviews in Indonesian and English, and that I would be confirming facts and stuffs. The description also said that the candidate was to have strong interest in news. Based on the fifteen minutes I was given, I think this latter part is where I flunked. I was given a few hypothetical news situations and I was asked to respond and react quickly, how I would handle, how I would investigate, etc. I was slow on this part.

They did say that they were impressed by my translation abilities (they had me live-interpreting a short Indonesian news dispatch etc.), so that's a positive I guess.

As for my position at the SBF... I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. I'm not exactly having the time of my life, but I'm not interested in carelessly burning any bridges anytime soon. At least not if I can help it.

From the Meditation Photography blog, some thoughts concerning love and the Virginia Tech killings:

What kind of person may be so angry to Kill 32 persons mercilessly?What kind of Person might be so frustrated to take lives of known and unknown people?

Don’t bother to answer the above, however do answer the following

What have you done to make sure that your son is not the next killer? How much you know about frustrations of your son or daughter? What makes you think you are not making your kid angry?

Remember that every kid is born as an immense potential but the way he has been brought up results in what he turns out to be.

Love is most important ingredient in your child growth. Not vitamins not proteins , definitely not cheeseburgers but Love is the most important ingredient in your child’s growth. If your kid is not loved and he in turn is not able to love; then I promise you that he has already potential to be a killer; need not be with gun but with his behavior and attitude and in his relationships.

Link to Suresh's Sufistic Meditation Photography blog found on the sidebar of The Clouds of Unknowing, a blog by Flamenco-Harpist DangerousAngel.